What can I say about our 14-night cruise from 14-28 February on Holland America Lines’  Noordam? First of all, thank you, Roy, for organising it all and presenting me with the tickets as a fait accompli on my birthday in January.

Have you cruised? Did you like it? They – whoever “they” are – say that there’s a cruise for everyone. You just need to choose the right ship and the right voyage for you.

I’m no expert on the subject, though; Roy and I have been on just a handful of different cruises over the years. For someone who really knows her port from her starboard, you want to check out my friend Heidi Sarna’s website – heidisarna.com/cruises/.

The Noordam

We both liked the classic interior design of the ship, though it’s not a new one. It has a casino, yes, but that’s fairly low-key.

If I’m honest, it took us a few days to settle down to life on board. The 1,900-passenger ship was chockfull – mainly of extremely old people, it seemed at first. I’ll never forget Roy’s look when I wanted to him to dance alongside some seriously old folk who were frantically jiving to the great BB Kings Band.

Once we’d got accustomed to a slightly smaller cabin (sorry, stateroom) than we’d expected, and once we’d made friends with Ernie the Barman at the Pinnacle Bar, and especially once the excellent dining-room staff had taken on board my husband’s super-intense desire for hot plates, we could all relax, and it was generally smooth sailing.

Except, that is, for the three days from Dunedin to Hobart, Tasmania, via Milford Sound. I’m a shamefully poor sailor, and our cabin was the worst one possible for someone like me: top deck, as far forward as they go. (Motion-intolerant passengers want to be on a low deck, midships.)

Here’s just a quick run-down of the ports of call. Except for Tauranga and Melbourne, the weather was mainly grey and wet, so not great for photography.

 First Stop: Tauranga

A much larger city than we’d expected, with a huge and busy port. A $10 shuttle bus runs between the cruise berth, located in the lovely Mount Maunganui area, across the bridge to the main centre.

Best thing: Letting my Englishman retreat to the coolth of the ship, I headed off in the direction of Mount Maunganui. The 3.4km base track is a lovely walk.

That’s all I was going to do, but then I spotted a sign for the summit and thought I’d go just part of the way. But you know what happens. You get halfway and think, “Seems a shame to turn around yet; l’ll go a bit further.” So you do, and you end up so sweaty and dusty that you’ve got to wash and blow-dry your hair again*, because it has to look nice for tonight’s gala dinner on the Noordam.

* It was to avoid exactly this beauty problem that Roy did not accompany me up Mount Maunganui.

More good news: I got back to the Noordam before they raised the gangway.

Second Stop: Napier

After the 1931 earthquake that laid waste to Napier, the city centre was rebuilt entirely along Art Deco lines. Luckily for us, our visit coincided with the annual Art Deco Week. Townsfolk wearing 20s and 30s outfits – some exquisitely elaborate – were out shopping, having tea at a café or sipping bubbly on the verandah of the Masonic Hotel.

Best thing: The Hawkes Bay Express, a 90-minute tour of the city and environs in a charming three-carriage vehicle that has the feeling of a tram or train.

Third Stop: Wellington

Lonely Planet supposedly called Wellington “the coolest little capital in the world” – on the day of our visit it was very possibly the wettest. It’s also one of the windiest cities in the world; when the wind’s up, the rain comes horizontally.

All this I know from our 3.5-hour Wellington Sights bus tour guide and driver, the septuagenarian (at least) who skilfully maneouvred our coach up and down some of the steepest, twistiest streets this side of San Francisco.

Best thing: On a good day it would have been the promised “sweeping views”; in pouring rain and creeping mist, not so much. We like Old St Paul’s Church (1866), built in Colonial Gothic style entirely of native wood.

Fourth Stop: Picton

“The people of Picton will welcome you,” said cruise director Jan Basson over the PA, and he was right. As you come off the gangway, ladies present you with a little corsage of local flowers.

Best thing: Visiting the whaling museum – a collection of more than 2,000 items of “Maori, whaling, maritime, heritage and textile displays” (www.pictonmuseum-newzealand.com).

Fifth Stop: Akaroa 

Since the devastating 2011 earthquake, Christchurch harbour hasn’t been able to welcome cruise ships – hence our stop in Akaroa, about a 90-minute drive from the city.

Too big for the small fishing harbour, the Noordam dropped anchor across French Bay, and we all went ashore by ship’s tender.

 

“I feel sorry for the French,” as the song goes; in this context, I feel sorry for the party of would-be French colonisers arriving in Akaroa Bay around 1840 with the intention of making New Zealand their own, only to see the English flag already flying – the Treaty of Waitangi was already a fait accompli.

Best thing: Knowing that you’re in the shelter of an extinct volcano – plus the general charm of the place.

Sixth Stop: Dunedin

As much as Akaroa was a small town influenced by the French, so is Dunedin as close to a Scottish city as you’ll find this side of Edinburgh. (Dunedin, in fact, is the Celtic name for Edinburgh.)

Best things: Spotting a few of the famous murals from the Hop On, Hop Off bus, and hopping off to photograph them; a spot of shopping in the George Street malls; a 20-minute organ concert at St Paul’s Cathedral; and the magnificent old Railway Station, said to be the most-photographed building in NZ.

Fiordland Park (Milford Sound) and two days at sea

Not a stop as such – just a few hours in this majestically beautiful spot.

Wet, windy weather with high swells made it impossible for us to enter the first two sounds on the itinerary – Dusky and Doubtful; but we did make it into the famous Milford Sound.

Seventh Stop: Hobart

Our four-hour Scenic Hobart and Wine Tasting tour took us first to the impressive Moorilla Winery – tasting half-a-dozen wines at 10.30am on an empty stomach was a grand start to the day.

Back down on Salamanca Terrace, we browsed the artsy alleys and had a half-pint (also called a “pot” here) of Cascade Pale Ale; then found the oldest hotel in Australia and drank a further pot or two of Captain Bligh’s in its pub, the Hope and Anchor.

Best thing: Ten days later back in Perth, receiving the Moorilla wines we’d bought – free delivery anywhere in Australia!

Eighth Stop: Melbourne 

One of the best things about our Singapore expat life is having so many friends all over the world. My book-club friend, Julie Catalano, met Roy and me at a café within walking distance of the ship, took us to her favourite Italian restaurant, Café Di Stasio, then showed us around her ‘hood, St Kilda.